wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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