...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
