I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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