I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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