I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
