My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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