oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
