I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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