Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize