at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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