he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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