no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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