True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
