i wish there were pregnant emoticons
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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