he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize