I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
