Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
