It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
