We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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