guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
