so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
