I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize