I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
