does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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