I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
