god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
