cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
