Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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