Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
