my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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