nut hugger
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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