if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so explain again why im purple
no
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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