ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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