I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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