I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
