Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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