let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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