is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
