Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
