You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
