you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
