what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
