I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
