his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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