the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
