He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
