Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
