I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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