Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize