were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
