Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
