You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
