It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
