like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
