my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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