Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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