omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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