i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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