it was like his penis was on wheels.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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