I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
