why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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