If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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