So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
