oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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