i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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