how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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